Charlie Bone and the Gate of Translocation
by Fanless
Summary: What do you get when you combine two very disparate characters, a transporting apparatus, and cameos from just about every wellknown fantasy book and manga out there? ...Well, this fanfiction, actually. [AU! Not connected to Book 6 in any way.]
1. The Disembodied Doorless Doorway

**Pre-story Author's Note:**

This took me forever to write, as you can see, and I was really tired when I did it, so if there are any mistakes (typos or otherwise) please let me know. Politely. If you are rude, I will fix them anyway, but I will send you no note of thanks.

* * *

"Are there any candles _whatsoever_ in this house?"

Sitting at the computer, Charlie Bone rolled his eyes. As if it wasn't enough of a nightmare having the ex-head boy of his school staying at his house during summer holiday, and if it wasn't maddening enough that nobody would tell him why, every few minutes (more like seconds, really) there was something else to deal with over Manfred. Where was the hairbrush? Didn't they have anything to eat? Where was Manfred supposed to put his things.. and so on and on.

Charlie suspected he was doing it just to make him crazy.

"I don't know," he yelled back, turning back to the Internet screen.

"You don't _know_? How pathetic is that! This is your own house and you don't know whether you have candles or not?"

Jerk! "It's not like I use candles on a daily basis!" Charlie snapped. "What do you want with them in the middle of a hot day, anyway? Practising sorcery?"

Manfred Bloor appeared in the doorway, a popsicle in his mouth. The contrast between the young man's surly attitude and the cheerfulness usually associated with ice pops was staggering, not to mention ridiculous. Charlie stifled a snicker as Manfred entered the room.

"It's none (slurp) of your business (slurp) brat," Manfred retorted, an action hard to pull off with an orange creamsicle between your teeth. "What do you care about it, anyway? Jealous of my skills?"

"You wish! I'm just worrying about you blowing up my bedroom!"

On the couch, Benjamin Brown groaned. Summer break was not proving as enjoyable as he'd hoped. True, he got to spend a lot more time at his best friend's, but with Charlie and Manfred sniping at each other all day, it was very distracting. Besides, Manfred gave him the creeps. The guy looked like a vampire with his indoor pallor, jet-black eyes and hair, and tall anorexical frame. He was mean, too.

"I could murder a creamsicle myself," Benjamin interjected, desperate to change the subject. "Charlie, why don't you get us both one?"

Charlie stopped in midsentence. "That sounds good. All this arguing is heating me up." He rose and disappeared into the kitchen, leaving Benjamin alone with Manfred.

_Oops._

Manfred thumped himself down on the other side of the couch, still slurping. There was a silence thick enough to taste.

"Er... aren't you hot?" Benjamin offered timidly at last. Manfred looked at him as if he'd dropped out of the sky. "I mean," he continued lamely, "you've got a suit on.. and it's black..."

"Boiling," Manfred growled. "Why d'you think I'm eating this?" flourishing the popsicle stick. "It's not as if I have anything else to wear."

"Gawd, Manfred," said Charlie, entering with two packages. "I just noticed. Why are you wearing all that clothing?" He tossed Ben one of the wrapped ice creams.

"Not you, too!" It's just what I wear, all right?" Manfred was at it again. Benjamin just sighed and ate his ice cream.

"Not all right. You'll get heatstroke, and I don't want to get in trouble with your father because you can't take care of yourself. Besides, you make me hot just looking at you," Charlie muttered.

Manfred's face cracked into a malevolent grin. "Is that so? Well, Bone, why don't I help make you even hotter!"

He reached out and smacked Charlie on the backside. There was a flash of light, and Charlie yelped. "Hey, that was dirty! I thought you agreed not to burn me?!"

Manfred smirked. "Did I? Must've had my fingers crossed. Well," he added as Charlie stormed away, "you deserved it. By the way, your pants are smoking. Maybe you should lay off the burritos."

"What?! Why, you... you..."

As Charlie spluttered in helpless rage, Benjamin sighed again. Suddenly the summer seemed so long. And not in a good way.

* * *

"What?!" Tancred said loudly. "Manfred's staying at your house?!"

"Tanc, keep your voice down! Yes, and I don't know why."

Charlie and his endowed friends Tancred Torsson, Gabriel Silk, and Lysander Sage were sitting by the window of the Pets' Cafe. The sun beat down down on them, threatening to melt their chocolate-covered Green Heavenly cookies. At least there was air conditioning.

"Ugh," Gabriel said, licking green icing off his fingers. "Should've got a Nut-Pom stick. So, what's he been doing there?"

"Besides driving me nuts? He's been holed up in my room-- that's where he's sleeping-- a lot, and I hear a lot of swearing coming from behind the door, but nothing else. He keeps asking for weird stuff like candles and herbs, too."

"Sounds like he's up to something odd in your room, Charlie," Lysander remarked. "Like casting spells, probably. I hope he doesn't cover your carpet in pig's blood or something gruesome."

Charlie shuddered. "I wouldn't put it past him. So, do you guys think you can let the others know? I haven't had the time to talk to Emma or Olivia lately."

"What about Billy?" Tancred queried, muffled by the ginger ring in his mouth. "We should tell him too, shouldn't we?"

Charlie nodded. "I've been thinking about that. Billy would probably want to know, but he's such an anxious person. I don't want him to worry himself into trouble."

Lysander chuckled. "Not wrong there. Well, I ran into him yesterday, and he said he was planning to visit you.. didn't I mention that?" He trailed off as Charlie gaped.

"Today? Like, now?" Charlie leaped to his feet. "Oh, no! He'll miss me. And I can just see it now-- Manfred'll open the door and Billy'll freak out! I've gotta get back home..."

* * *

"Well, well." Manfred leaned against the door and sucked on his third popsicle of the day. "If it isn't Billy Raven. What are you doing here, may I ask?"

Billy stared in complete shock. With his round magnifying glasses and open mouth, he looked like a white goldfish.

"...Visiting," he stammered at last. "What are _you_ doing here, Manfred?"

"Plenty. Nothing that I can tell you about." Manfred made no move away from the door. "If you've come to see Charlie, he's not here. Probably won't be for a- oh. Never mind."

Billy turned to see Charlie racing toward him. "Sorry!" he was panting. "Lysander just told me-- good thing I didn't miss you!" He stopped short when he saw Manfred.

"What are you _wearing_?" he demanded for the second time in as many days. Manfred looked down at his clothing in mock surprise as if he hadn't noticed he had any. "What's the matter with my clothes now? _You_ said I should dress for hot weather."

"For one thing," retorted Charlie, "they're mine, not yours."

"Manfred can wear your clothes?" said Billy in fascination, eying the blue shorts and red cotton T Manfred wore. "He's thinner than I thought. Is that healthy?"

"Yes, he is," Manfred said dryly, stepping aside to let the younger boys inside. "I"m going out. I'll try not to destroy your clothes, Bone." And he walked through the door, still eating his popsicle.

"Well, that was weird," Charlie muttered, leading Billy into the kitchen. "Sorry about that, Billy. He's been a real pain."

Billy shrugged. "I know how you feel. I lived with him for years, remember? Looks like you've been pretty busy."

"Yup. Dealing with Manfred is a full-time job. I wonder how you ever managed it. I'm always worrying that he'll blow the house up. And he's taken over my bedroom for suspicious purposes. I only wish I knew what he was doing in there..." Charlie paused.

"Billy.. why don't we go upstairs?"

_

* * *

Rattle. Rattle. Rattlerattlerattle._

"It's sticking! Or is it locked?"

"Can't be. It sounds different when it's locked. Here, let me try for a second.."

The door shook for a moment, then exploded open, hitting the wall. Charlie and Billy peered inside nervously.

What they saw took their breath away: an heavy-looking wooden arch stood in the middle of Charlie's room, the rest of which had been draped in dark cloth. The the curtains were drawn, adding to the utter blackness that was only relieved by lit candles in the sconces that covered every spare inch of the arch that wasn't ornately carved in spirals. A smudgy red ring compassed the base of the arch.

"Ugh.." Billy swallowed noisily. "Is that blood?"

"I don't think I want to find out." Charlie didn't blame Billy for looking green. "I guess we'd better check it out anyway.."

With Billy whimpering behind him, Charlie advanced on the sinisterly glowing arch. From straight on, it resembled nothing more than a disembodied doorway, leading to nowhere. The sight sent a chill down Charlie's spine, but he managed to steel himself. After all, it was only his room done up in black drapery.

"What do you suppose it's for?" His voice fell flat and muffled in the velvet inkyness. Billy said nothing. The arch whispered.. or was it only the sense of power that radiated from it?

Charlie reached out a half-hidden hand.

Again the door burst open, splashing light against the scene as Manfred dodged in, clutching Charlie by the shoulders and inadvertently scalding him.

"You idiot!" he roared. "It's not finished, don't you know better than to..."

His voice died as he realized he'd thrown them both off balance and was about to follow Charlie through the gateway, which seemingly contained nothing but blackness. They tumbled into the arch--

and failed to fall out the other side.

Billy's fragile nerve snapped. He ran shrieking from the room, leaving the doorless door behind to hush in the wake of its glittering, guttering candlelight.

**

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Author's Note:**

Whew! What a first chapter. Please have patience with the longness of the chapters in this fic, as I'm writing it down in a notebook first and therefore have no idea how it looks onscreen. Let's hear those reviews, people! You don't want me to sing the 'Reviews Please!' song, do you? Didn't think so.** Constructive** criticism welcome, as always . Chapter Two coming soon!


	2. The Incredibly Lame Omake

Me: Sorry everyone, it might be a while before I get to update this story. My father has gotten obsessed with YouTube and is monopolizing the family comp. Also, I'm not supposed to use my laptop for anything but homework, so I'm doing this a bit on the lowdown.. sorry…

Besides, I was planning to rewrite the chapters I haven't posted yet.

Manfred: Don't do that, you moron. It'll take even longer that way.

Olivia: And you haven't gotten to me yet!

Manfred: It's not like anyone cares about this stupid fic anyway.

Me: Don't say that! It's got plenty of reviews on it!

* * *

Uh.. anyway, please bear with me.. 


	3. The Other Omake! This One Has More Fish

Me: Hey everyone, it's omake time again! Today I'm here to let you know that for me, school will be over in a few short days, meaning that I will be able to spend more time typing for as long as I want, meaning that I'll be able to type up the rest of this story! Also, did you notice the change in residence? Please inform everyone that we are now putting down roots in the Book X-Overs section!

Zelda: Why on earth do you sound like an infomercial?

Me: Er.. because I want to make the readers think that I'm still alive and kicking when really I'm about to pass out from stress?

Zelda: Whatever. Good enough for me.

Me: Thank you. At least someone understands.

Zelda: I didn't say I understood you at all. Because really, I don't.

Me: That's all right, I'm used to it. So, what are you doing here anyway? You're not in my fic.

Zelda: Well, I _should_ be! And for your information, I'm filling in for my darling Manfred. He's gonna be late because he had to run to the market to lay in a larger supply of Endowed fish to hit you with when you slack off.

Me: But I'm not! OO

Zelda: Yes you are. You're supposed to be doing homework right now, after all.

Me: But IiiiiiiiiiAAAAIIIIIIEEEEE--- (is cut off as truckload of Endowed fish descends upon my tangily-tressed skull)

Zelda: (flashes thumbs-up to Manfred, sitting behind the wheel of the truck) Thanks for shutting her up. Meet you backstage?

* * *

Well, anyway, I have yet to read the 6th book.. so I have to get on that, as well as not failing school in its last gasps. I'll have to dig myself out from under all these bloody endowed fish, though. REAL chapter coming.. let's say next week! 


	4. It's Not The Fall That Hurts, pt 1

First off, thanks goes to NickyFox13, whose delightfully blunt review lit a fire under my-- well, lit a fire under me, anyway. Hope youse enjoy.

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**Ch. 2-- It's Not The Fall That Hurts **

* * *

As the title of this chapter notes, technically it's _not _the fall that's painful. Actually, as a bunch of dudes with musical instruments from Sweden noted, the pain comes in when you hit the ground.

Charlie and Manfred discovered that the hard way.

They hit the ground almost at the same time. Oddly enough, the ground they hit didn't seem to be the same ground that they'd fallen off. Charlie, unfortunately, only had a few seconds to notice this before Manfred landed on top of him. Even an underweight, rather sickly person is not fun to be crushed by. Of course, Manfred was very bony besides. The resulting sensation was like getting crushed by petrified twigs that swore loudly.

"What _happened_?!" Charlie wheezed after they'd disentangled themselves and gotten their breath back enough to talk. "Where is this? How'd we get here?"

"Here" was apparently the middle of a strawberry field. At least they hadn't hit any of the plants, Charlie thought, otherwise they'd be in even more trouble. Somehow they'd ended up far from where they'd begun.

Beside him, Manfred looked just as lost. He had his own clothes on again, Charlie noticed.

"Manfred.. that thing in my room- you built it, didn't you? What _is_ it?"

"Normally, I'd tell you 'none of your business', but under the circumstances..." Manfred exhaled loudly. "It's a Gate of Translocation. Its purpose is to transport anyone who steps through it to the place they picture in their mind. Obviously, it wasn't calibrated correctly."

"I guess not." Charlie stood up, searching for signs of life. There didn't seem to be any, at least as far as he could see through the tall trellises.

"Stupid," Manfred muttered. "Your curiosity is gonna get you killed one of these days." He stood up too, but encountered only the last foot of the trellises. "Shit! How tall can a freaking trellis be?"

He knelt back down and pointed to his back. Charlie blinked. "What about your shoulder?"

"Dolt! Get on! It's the only way we'll be able to see over these damned things. I swear they're growing by the second."

Charlie hurriedly clambered onto the former head boy's back. It was either that or get sworn at some more, after all.

As Manfred wobbily stood up, complaining over the effort, Charlie recalled a vague snippet of memory from the days before his father had been kidnapped. In it, he was balanced atop his father's shoulders just like this, with his feet dangling onto his carrier's chest. The contrast between his cheerful father and surly Manfred was so great it was almost funny.

"Well? What do you see?"

Charlie was about to reply when a loud, irate voice behind them barked, "I don't know about _you_, but what I see is two very suspicious-looking trespassers!"

The unsteady tower of two lost it completely. Manfred and Charlie hit the dirt of the strawberry patch for the second time in twenty or so minutes.

There was an overweight, florid face above them. It seemed to be connected to a Hawaiian shirt.

_To be continued..._

* * *

My apologies for this horrible delay. Will have the second half of this chapter up hopefully before I'm dead. 


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